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Treehouse of Trolling

By Knigh/tg/uy        

Spike was busy this morning, gathering his things in his big boy boxes. Today was the day he and the other two boys in town had decided on to make their big move. He made sure that the rest of the library was clean, so Twilight wouldn’t force him to help her clean it up.

“Twilight, this is Spike, I’m going out with Snips and Snails,” he hollered into the little intercom system Sparkle had put in.

“What are you boys going to be doing?” Twilight remarked, not even moving her eyes from her latest experiment.

“It’s a S-E-C-R-E-T! But we’ll be near Pinkie Pie’s bakery if you need us.” And with that, he was off. And it took approximately 5 seconds for Twilight Sparkle to freak out.

“What secret!? What is he doing, what is he planning?!? What if it endangers the whole town, or even worse, my books!? I have to find out!” Twilight ran up the stairs of her secret laboratory, past the secret lavatory and secret dungeon (which has since been renovated into a secret book storage room).

“SPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!”

****

My Little Pony,

My little Pony…

        Spike and the rest of the boys were hard at work on their new old tree house. It looked like it had seen better days, but two unicorns and a dragon were going to get it in tip top shape in no time. All around, the sound of metal and wood working could be heard, and it soon guided Twilight Sparkle to her destination.

        “Spike, let me in! I don’t like you keeping secrets.” She yelled, to the surprise of the ponies around her. A few came to see what was going on. A door at the bottom of the tree house opened, and spike showed only his head.

        “Nope, this is our secret clubhouse. No icky girls allowed, boys only.” With that, he put a NO GIRLS ALLOWED sign on the door before slamming it down. Twilight could only simmer with rage, not being allowed to go somewhere. She looked around; maybe there was another entrance, a way in. There was a window, but even her frame wouldn’t fit through it. Then she remembered she could just teleport inside. A look of satisfaction placed itself on her face, as she closed her eyes and began to concentrate. She could feel the magic gathering around her as she began to disappear.

        She felt her eyes were heavier when she reappeared. Had Spike done something to block her teleportation?. She couldn’t see, but she could smell something sweet. There was a powder in the air, and the smell of pastries, and wherever she was, it was mushy. Had she teleported into Pinkie Pie’s bakery by accident and stepped on some cake batter? She opened her eyes…

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Pinkie, how are you so huge?”

        “Silly filly, I’m not huge, you’re just really itty bitty. And what are you doing in my cake mix, little pony.” She giggled, and put the mix on top of the counter. A quick flash, and Twilight was standing next to Pinkie, full size. The cake batter also came along, matching Twilight’s proportions. She licked some of the batter on her face?

        “Pinkie, why don’t you help me get into Spike’s treehouse? You seem to get along with him.”

        “Sure, I’d love to help you. I’ll need to pick up some more cake mix, since I don’t think people will want to have pony flavored cake.”

        A few steps outside later, Pinkie Pie approached the tree house. It was a nice square shape, and some of the planks looked like they had started to come apart. She marveled at it, seeing it now made her want one too.

        “Oh Spike, won’t you let me and your sister, err babysitter, err mommy? What is your relationship with Spike anyways Twilight? Well, will you let us inside, pretty please with a cherry on top and cream filling on the side and hot sauce to wash it down?”

        To their surprise, it was Snips who showed up at the window. “Sorry Pinkie Pie, my mommy says I’m not allowed to have your special treats until I’m older. And this is our secret clubhouse, so sorry, no girls allowed.” Pinkie Pie turned around, content as ever, while Twilight was rather surprised at her simple turnaround.

        “Uh, Pinkie, weren’t you gonna do that thing where you appear inside so we can find out what they’re up to?”

        “You heard him Twi, no girls allowed, and that would be mean. Now let’s have some pastries!” Twilight could only grumble. But having something to eat might give her ideas on how best to get in.

        Twilight let Spike keep his secret that night, or at least she told herself that. She asked every three seconds, every possible vector of conversation being directed towards finding out what was in that tree house. The next morning, she hit on a rather simple solution.

        “Mr. Macintosh, I do so hope you aren’t too terribly busy this morning? I’d like you to help me with Spike and his little friends.”

        “Sure thing little miss, I was just on my way to get some cinnamon buns for my sisters. Wouldn’t mind helping you with your son, err, brother, err, just how are you related to a dragon?”

        Twilight teleported both of them next to the tree house before he could even finish asking. She pointed at the tree in question, and he knocked on one of the make shift stairs they use to get up. The door quickly flung open, followed by an angry Snails.

        “No Girls Allo… Oh hey Big Mac, what are you doing here?”

        “Little missy here wants me to make sure you boys aren’t getting into any trouble. She worried about her cousin, err, roommate.”

        “Nothing big going on in here,” Snails said with a laugh. “We’ll get you up and show you.” They dropped a rope tied to a tire wheel, which they used to haul Big Mac up into their tree house. Shuffling could be heard, and what felt like a conversation, all while Twilight was literally shaking with anticipation. Big Mac ended her worry by poking his head out the window.

        “Are you going to let me in?”

        “NOPE.”

        “What? I wanted you to get in so I could find out what they were up to.”

        “Yup. And it’s a secret. They don’t want no girl pony to know what is going on here.”

        “AAAAUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHH!

        Dawn of the Third Day.

        Spike had sneaked out before Twilight got out of bed. Which only managed to get her more worked up. She kept walking in circles, that even Rainbow Dash noticed.

        “If you keep walking around like that, you’ll wear out the floor. What’s gotten your saddle so tight?” Rainbow Dash was sitting on the window, looking at the purple pony try to assemble her thoughts.

        “Spikehasasewcretclubhouse,wherehekeepsasecretawayfromme.Hecan’tkeepasecretfromme.WHatifit’sdangerousorharmfulorEXPLOSIVE!” She managed to get it off in one breath, which even surprised Rainbow Dash.

        “Oh so you just wanna get into the boys little secret cubby house, the one by Pinkie’s store? You shoulda asked. Me and the weather team are almost done, we’ll be there in 10 seconds, and we’ll get the secret out of your little assistant, err cousin, err, what is he, really?” Before she could finish, she was already being hugged by Twilight for her offer of assistance.

        11 seconds later…

        “Alright Pegasi, listen up. Our new task is to take over that clubhouse and learn of what their intentions are. Are you ready?” Dash could command the weather ponies with military precision when she worked herself to do it, which was rare. She tapped her head piece, making sure Twilight could hear her. “All right Intel, what do you have for me?”

        “Dash, your target is an 8’ by 10’ domicile in a tree. We have 4 confirmed hostiles. They are as follows: the dragon Spike, the unicorns Snips and Snails, as well as the Earth Pony who goes by the alias ‘Big Mac.’”

        “No worries. Me and the team will be in an out in a lickety split!”

        “I’m hit! I’m hit! I’m going down!”

        The weather team looked at one of the Pegasi, who was falling at a moderate pace.

        “Confound our egghead, they have anti-air support! Why didn’t you inform us about this, we’re flying into a trap.”

        “Your job is to get into that tree house, Dash. Nothing else matters except success.”

        Dash ground her teeth, and then ordered the rest of the pegasi to go in. They soon caught sight of what they were up against, mass water balloon cannon. Big Mac was used as the artillery piece, with Spike pulling back the sling loaded with ammunition. Snips and Snails were using their magic to guide the balloons and maximize their effectiveness. Each volley removed more and more members of her team, who simply glided to the ground after getting so wet. But try as they might, they couldn’t get Dash. She could dart and weave between the attacks, even as Snips and Snails started popping the balloons to increase the water spread. She managed to make it in front of them, beginning her victory gloat.

        “Ha, you guys couldn’t hit the broadside of the barn. Why, I bet even Granny Smith could dodge your att…” Dash’s confidence had gotten the best of her. Sure, she had made it to tree house, but she hadn’t made it inside the tree house. And the boys hadn’t stopped preparing to fire their AA cannon. Dash looked on as thirty water balloons were already pulled back, all of the boys smiling.

        “FIRE!’

        “Eeep.”

        Dash could be seen going over the mountains. The force from all those water balloons were felt throughout the little town, as all the windows rumbled in their place. Twilight gave a final salute as Dash flew over the horizon.

        “May Celestia be with you, brave pony.”

        “I’m not dead, Twilight. They were just water ballons.”

        Twilight was starting to get desperate. Four days, and still no answer. She’d never gone so long without finding something out about anything. She hit with one final idea. She had gotten one infiltrator in, now she just needed to push the right buttons.

        “Sugahcube, you want me to what?” Applejack was quite stunned. This was a mighty big request, even for her.

        “I need you to knock down a tree house. And I made sure Big Mac was in there, so no one will get hurt.”

        “Isn’t that a little extreme, just to find out what some boys are doing? Sure you haven’t let that go to your head?”

        “Of course not,” Twilight said, as she teleported them right to the tree house. “It’ll be totally safe. And I’m sure Big Mac is just using it to hide from you and not have to work today.”

        “It’s his turn to wash the dishes today, and no way, no how am I going to do it. Wait, is that smooth jazz?”

        Both ponies looked up, listening to the simple beats coming from the little wooden house.

        “It’s the devil’s music! They gotta be running a distillery up there! Big Mac, what in tarnation are you doing up there?! If you don’t answer me, by golly I will knock down this tree house!”

        The window opened, and a single hoof came up. Holding a strangely shaped pie.

        “Is that, is that one of Granny’s secret pie recipes, dearest big brother?”

        A second hoof appeared, holding a small fan. It turned on, blowing the smell of a new pie throughout the town. More ponies than ever gathered around, each one salivating at the smell of such a beautiful pie. The hooves returned to the tree house, which only made all the ponies salivate even more. A small clicking noise was heard, and the door began to lower itself. The ponies standing on higher ground could see four pies, just waiting to be taken, if they hadn’t already flown off.

        It took two seconds for the ponies to realize what happened. The pies were on springs, but now they were sent flying into all four directions. All the ponies took off; there was no one in the square anymore, except for one. Twilight had now turned a much redder shade of purple.

        The area around the tree house was full again. Many ponies were hoping to get some more of that delicious pie, all except a purple one. She was laughing. There was no way this idea could fail she told herself. It was so simple. If she couldn’t get in, then all she had to do was remove the tree house in its entirety. She had asked Crossete to bring her greatest explosive to demolish the tree house. So simple.

It took half a second afterwards to realize she had made a mistake. She had made the mistake of asking Crossete to bring her greatest fireworks, and she had made the mistake of asking Crossete for anything.

        “Everypony, RUN!” Twilight tried to get out, but it was too late. The giant firecracker was already on its way, with its creator riding on top. And with that, half of Ponyville disappeared in a giant, colorful blast.

Dear Princess Celestia,

        The last week I was fully conscious, I learned to accept that I won’t be able to know everything the moment I want it. I learned that I should wait for people to let me know their secrets, particularly if they aren’t actually dangerous. I need to be considerate of others, which seems to be the hardest lesson I have to learn.

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle.

PS. Can you send me a copy of that one Dungeons and Dragons book that is stored in our library. I accidentally destroyed Spike’s copy.